OXFORD, ENGLAND - In a move that has stunned competitors, Microsoft announced that it intends to acquire the English language. At a packed news conference on the Oxford University campus, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates delivered the news to an assembly of reporters, researchers of major universities, and employees of Random House.
"We expect a lot of growth in the usage of English in the next five to ten years", said Gates. "We believe we are in the best position to make the kind of changes necessary for consumers of English to become more productive."
When asked what kind of changes Microsoft was planning for the future, Gates replied, "Development on the English language has been too unfast a process for too many years. We intend to speed up the rate at which new English products arrive in the marketplace, in addition to making major aesthetic changes to the English language itself. Beta versions of dictionaries will be released to the public at least twice a year and these dictionaries will be significantly enhanced from current versions. Compare this to the current ten to twenty year cycle."
"Major enhancements to the area of English aesthetics will start with version 1.0 of Microsoft English (tm)", said Gates. "One of our primary goals is to make the use of the language more pleasant for the computer user. For instance, the phrase "The new version of the software contains bugs that slow down the system by hogging the cpu, and may eventually hang or crash the machine and cause corruption", will now read "The new version of the software contains issues that unspeed the system by empowering the cpu, and may eventually delay or land the system and cause data dehancement". As you can see, the second version is much more appealing. We are also planning to remove certain words such as "anti-trust", "anti-competitive", and "manipulate", as they have shown to have no practical use in modern English. Microsoft intends to use its position as a world leader in aesthetic design for the benefit of all users."
When asked if Microsoft had any plans to acquire other languages, Gates simply replied with a "no comment". At the end of the news conference, Gates and several Microsoft executives were seen heading towards the English channel.
In a separate news conference in Mountain View, California, Oracle, Sun and Netscape announced that all their future products will use Esperanto as the primary language for documentation, packaging, and interface design. "Users are tired of having to switch to a different language every time they travel to a new country", said Sun CEO Scott McNealy. "The widespread adoption of Esperanto will ensure that this will never have to happen again." McNealy also stated "Microsoft's acquisition of English is clearly a move that doesn't benefit users of English, but it does enhance Microsoft's position in the marketplace. English is the perfect choice of a language for a company like Microsoft; it's slow, bloated, inefficient, carries too much legacy data and is too hard to learn and understand. On the other hand, Esperanto is a clean design from the ground up. It will work in any country."
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